This is the transcript to the corresponding episode on our podcast. Visit the episode page here.
[sound: water/waves]
[Shaunga] Greetings Good Listeners.
I am your host, Storyteller and Spell Weaver, Shaunga Tagore. And you are tuning into my Divination Channel. Welcome to Otherworldly Giants.
This is a new podcast that seamlessly weaves multiple genres into one mind-bending, awe-inspiring world full of magic, colours, animals, and ancestors among us. Blurring our conceptions of fantasy and reality, this is a portal to decolonize, multidimensionalize, alchemize, and learn to live freely…to grieve freely…to learn freely…to love freely….
[Shaunga’s voice fades, waves get louder and then quieter]
In spring 2022 I completed an Ancestors Apprenticeship with Dr. Stephanie R. Burns, called Connecting with the Ancestors. During this apprenticeship, a group of us were given ancestral directives to harmonize with our ancestors, the earth, and all our beloved relations. My directive was simply called, The Colours of the Community. Like most ancestral communications, it starts with: I have no idea what that means. But I am a Good Listener. And, when it comes to my Ancestors, I’m with you, even if I don’t get it. Yet.
Soon after, I was receiving messages about a story that needed to unfold. A story, that after a long period of invisibility and underground activity, needed to be seen and heard and felt, by the Sun, and the World, and the people. A story that needed to be free. And the time was now.
This is the prologue to that story, and it’s called, GOLD: The Akashic Records and Me.
[waves get louder and then quieter, and then fade into silence]
Sometime recently, I sent my friend and fellow SoulShifter family member, Akinke, a message that went something like this:
“Something is fucking with me! HALP!”
For those of us in the spiritual game – ancestral healing, energy or light work, multidimensional land stewardship, living that Best Witchy Life, whatever you want to call it – you know that keeping up our energetic protection, boundaries and regular cleansing is essential to doing what we do safely and peacefully.
Especially for those of us whose spiritual practises are intentionally, actively and consciously rooted in decolonization, anti-war movements, and the liberation of all beings from oppression and enslavement…we know that protecting ourselves is PARAMOUNT.
Colonizing and Warring energies have a major reason to come for us because they know our healing, success, mastery and connection with one another will result in their death, irrelevance, or more accurately, a transformation that feels too terrifying to imagine or surrender to.
In our SoulShifting spiritual community, Akinke is a major power house on our security team. Her genius is protection and cleansing magic. Akinke is also a therapist and a spiritual counsellor.
So this is what I meant what I told her that something was fucking with me!
It was made clear to me that in my current energy work, spell casting, personal healing and creativity, something was interrupting my signal and my flow of sacred reciprocity.
For example, I ordered some food and the delivery mysteriously disappeared even though I was still charged money for it. And also, my Creation Company received some funding but there have been months of delays and running around chasing the money and as I speak this, it still hasn’t landed in my bank account.
There are other examples too, which I won’t get into. The non-mystical type would likely toss these experiences aside as minor annoyances. But for a Witch – you learn to take things seriously. You clue into the symbols of your personal technology, the signs of who and what is communicating with you, and you know when there’s disruption in your magic that needs to be addressed.
Let me be clear: none of these experiences prompted me into fear. I’m not afraid of whatever was “fucking” with me in the unseen realms because I trust the unfolding of my healing; these types of experiences only help to illuminate something within me that needs to be protected, or that is ready to be cleansed or unclogged.
So, I contacted Akinke for some assistance. I’ll be honest, even though I know how important day-to-day protection magic is…I’m not that consistent with it.
What can I say! I’m a wild spiritual adventurer. I’m a cosmic traveller. My teacher, and SoulShifting Visionary space holder Dr. G. Love once said about me: This girl travels the galaxies like she’s walking down the street!
It’s true, I’m a little bit like the kid who won’t stop running around the cosmos – playing, learning, teaching – then coming home covered in joy and dirt, glitter from a far away star system stuck to my skin, some goop hanging off my elbow from god knows where, tracking mud and celestial sludge all over the apartment, barely having gotten both feet through the door before I’m already planning my next adventure…
Sometimes I just need someone to remind me of basic shit like, Shaunga can you please just take a shower before you leave the house again? PLEASE?!?
In this moment, Akinke was that someone and together we worked out a regular protection and cleansing routine, and I re-committed to doing this consistently which was especially important in this moment that I am preparing to take my work and life to the next level.
Akinke took me through a meditation to clarify the colour of my protection shield. It was Gold. Bright, shimmering, liquid gold that solidified into an egg-shaped force field around my body.
After our session I felt great and was already seeing positive results. The next day I went about my life as usual. I fed my cat, went to the grocery store, picked up ingredients for tacos.
Then, on my way home I was hit by intense energies of resentment, exhaustion and depression. I felt utterly deflated by life.
I’ve learned a few things about these kind of “mood swings,” when they hit me. For one, they can be indication that my protection magic is sending me warning bells. Maybe there’s been a security breach. Maybe my cloaking technology needs to be reinforced. Maybe my relationship boundaries need to be reinforced. Maybe a trauma or past life cycle is coming to the surface to be healed or cleansed.
I’ve also come to recognize that many of my ancestors communicate with me entirely through my emotions. So my “negative mood swings” can actually just be ancestors expressing themselves, and an indication that together, we are ready to cleanse something – a life that kept us feeling trapped in resentment and exhaustion, for example. We are ready to recognize these lives and these feelings, in order to let them go.
There’s a specific chronic energy, emotion and thought pattern I’ve dealt with since childhood. My mood swings into depression, frustration, exhaustion and deflation can easily and quickly spiral into suicidal ideation.
When I was younger, my suicidal thoughts would consume me, rip me apart in despair, and could keep me spinning in an undertow for long stretches of time. Nowadays, when they come around, it’s still painful, but I’m not as angsty about it. The thing is, these thoughts have been flooding my consciousness pretty persistently on and off for the last couple of years, even as my life as a whole was getting better and better.
I guess I would call it semi-suicidal. Because, for me, these feelings never lead me in a direction where I would seriously plan for, or attempt suicide. Even in my lowest moments there’s always at least one thing strong enough to keep me tethered to life. Even if it’s as simple as, If I leave, who is going to feed my cat?
I speak my utmost of gratitude to the animals who have walked with me as guides and companions. They have protected me in so many ways, including LITERALLY keeping me alive. Because even in my lowest moments I cannot imagine choosing to leave them or live on another plane without them.
My suicidal energy feels more like…I don’t have any desire to live the life that I have. I don’t feel connected to a purpose…a reason…that feels good enough to want to stay here and endure all of the pain, exhaustion, disappointment, and great amount of hard work associated with being present on this planet here and now.
Moreover, I have always felt a deep sense of my soul, a connection to the multiverse and spirit world. If I wasn’t in this body, I know I’d still be me. I’d still be connected to everyone and everything I’ve ever loved.
So, what’s the point of being here when it’s so fucking hard to find happiness?
Let me be clear, I have been putting MY ALL into praying for, building, co-creating and rooting into a life that I’m not ambivalent about. I so badly WANT to want to live. But sometimes I’m just so fed up, and I want to stop trying.
It is a special kind of hell…the feeling of intensely not wanting to be alive, at the same time knowing you will never take a step to end your own life. For me, that feeling is the definition of being Trapped.
It is worth speaking compassion into suicidal feelings, that I and I know many of us experience.
There’s a snippet from Angel the TV series that might say it best (and I’m paraphrasing…)
Angel says:
There’s a multidimensional, multi-million dollar evil corporate law firm working full time around the clock, pouring every resource they have into driving me crazy. Why is everyone surprised that it’s working!?!
I mean, ain’t that the truth when you’re a queer Black or Brown witch!
If this is you and you also have your moments where you feel completely defeated by life – there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not alone. You are having an understandable response to the reality of your situation, even if that reality is multidimensional.
After the grocery store I came home and engaged my energetic cleansing and protection strategies. I reinforced my grounding cord into the Earth and my Gold protection shield.
Then, “for some reason,” I said to myself: I’m going to visit my Akashic Records.
Like, no big deal right?
Did I mention my default dress code is Epic Casual?
For those who don’t know, the Akashic Records are a vast body of knowledge that exist in the unseen realm, the multidimensional plane. They contain the memory, the records, of absolutely everything in the universe that has ever happened, along with any and every timeline that might happen. From the mightiest moves in history, down to each and every breath an insect took. The Akashic Records have an answer to all questions. They carry galactic, multi-generational sagas behind every fleeting mood swing.
Your Akashic Records know every heartbreak behind behind every choice you ever made. They know who you became in roads that you did not travel. They know which parallel timelines are pulling at your heart strings right now and why.
They know the reason you are here. Not just any reason – your reason.
Deep in my consciousness and galactic memory I know I have a close relationship with the Akashic Records. But in this body, Shaunga 2022, I realized that I had never taken the time to actually visualize them.
So, I sat in meditation and I said: Show me the Akashic Records. What do they look like?
I saw Gold.
I saw grids upon grids of golden light materializing in my space, surrounding me in incredible detailed tapestry. There I sat in the center of beautiful, intricate architecture, designed with the greatest Artistry ever known to living beings.
I saw books, scrolls, runes, ancient languages carved on sacred stones. I saw Light languages from planets that no longer exist gently and radiantly reflecting into the air, sweetly confident like they’ve never been gone and never been missed…and the air was so delectably thick you could bite into it like a juicy peach.
It was a Giant Quantum Library.
All different shades of Gold.
It was kind of like Home.
The unconscious assumptions we carry about our multidimensional realities are interesting. When I asked to see the Akashic Records, I realized I was expecting my meditation to take me on some kind of traveling journey – through a tunnel, or a cave, and then lead me to a secret place in the universe where the records could be accessed.
What I found instead is that these Gold Records were not confined to one place, and you don’t have to go anywhere to find them. They are absolutely everywhere, at all times.
The Akashic Records exist in every physical, emotional, psychological, and spiritual space in the universe. There is a full memory for every fraction of a moment, complete with alternate endings and countless choose your own adventure extending branches. There is nothing we can be and nowhere we can go, without being completely centered and rooted in our Akashic Memory. You can reach right in front of you, right now, into any question, any timeline and see what’s up. Be as specific and intricate as you like, or ask the big questions: they’ll show you exactly where in the design to pull it out.
The Akashic Records are so close to us, all the time. And yet, they can be very far away, depending on how disconnected we are from our holistic multidimensional reality.
So there I was, sitting in meditation, in awe, and then I hear a voice speaking to me. Maybe it’s my voice, maybe it’s the records themselves.
You know, Shaunga, you could train yourself to live completely attune to the dimensional frequency of your Askashic Records. Here and now. You could live the rest of your life on Earth with this kind of memory as your every day operating system. If anyone can do it, it’s you.
You could train yourself to do it. Start with working your way up to 20-second breaths in ceremony and go from there.
I mean, look at you – you already have the ability to casually chill with your Akashic Records like you’re texting your bestie between playing toon blast on your phone and eating tacos. Imagine how powerful, how otherworldly, how healed…you could be…if you devoted yourself to learning how to live with this kind of memory as your default.
HOLY BAT SHIT BANANAS BATMAN. LIKE, THAT’S WHAT IT WOULD BE.
Quite literally. And that’s the reason you haven’t decided to take that road.
One could very easily go mad, with an Akashic memory. With that kind of access to all of those answers to all of those questions.
Now let me be clear: it’s not that the experience of memory itself, that is maddening. Not at all.
It’s not that healing and being healed is maddening, not at all, not in and of itself.
But if the majority of the world around you doesn’t walk and roll in your healing frequency or in the grandeur of your memory…if you’re the only one you know that remembersthe way you do…I mean, that’s what’ll drive you crazy.
The isolation. The loneliness.
The inevitable gas lighting that’ll come from those around you who will not be able to see what you see.
They inevitability that your way of knowing and remembering will be terrifying to any person you come across. And who knows what kind of violence or abandonment you would have to endure as a result.
Not to mention, you wouldn’t have any people to share your stories with.
And you, dear Shaunga, you came here to be amongst the people.
You came here to be amongst the People of this Time. Not another Time or Space that is far away for many, but perhaps very easy for you to time jump and land somewhere everyone is living out and proud in their Akashic Memories and it’s really NBD at all.
No, Shaunga. You came here to be human, and to be loved by humans.
Here. Now.
So tell me, I asked the Voice. What do the records say about my Purpose. What is my Reason. Why am I here? Why am I alive? And why was I the one to make that choice?
The space around me gets quiet, and all the objects in the library clear out. The Sun goes down and it’s that special time of dusk where you can still see soft colours dancing on a distant horizon. Now there’s nothing in the room except for a dark table in front of me.
From the shadows, two hands slide a Box across the table toward my chest.
I look down at the box, a little treasure chest with one prizmatic stone on the top. Yes, the box is Gold, somehow brighter than every other book and scroll I have seen so far.
I immediately begin weeping.
Real tears, from my real body, visceral like a rocky ocean, surging from my gut to my chest, up my throat, through my eyes, reminding me that I am flesh and waves and blood and skin and earth.
Because I am weeping, Because I am water, I remember.
I have spent so many lifetimes where I’ve lived for other people.
I’ve been a leader, a general, a revolutionary. I’ve been cosmic royalty. In other life times, in other time lines, I have died for the people. I’ve died for the movement.
I’ve been responsible for the well-being of entire kingdoms. I’ve been entrusted to reunite large-scale displaced communities. I’ve been tasked with traveling to the most dangerous corners of the universe to bring lost souls back home after generations of war, starvation and complete planetary devastation.
I was once living on a planet that no longer exists, a planet that was home for me, and my loved ones, more than any other has ever been or will be. I was the Chosen One during the height of the Galactic Wars, and a pivotal battle that resulted in the complete obliteration of my home. My planet disappeared. It was wiped from the consciousness of all living beings. Nobody and nothing in the galaxies remembered that we existed – except for me and the family that I lost. We remembered each other, even though we were separated. We had to flee to separate corners of time-space-dimension, and for many millenia, we could have no contact with each other for the sake of our safety. All other beings could forget and move forward, but we were tethered to each other and the enormity of what had happened through our memory. Our memory was both the love that kept us going, and a curse that stopped us from moving on. I was the Chosen One, and to this day, I still do not know if the choices I made during that battle are the reason we lost everything…or if we would have lost no matter what I did. The answer to that question will always be that there is no answer.
I have lived so many life times as a Chosen One whose choices carry the weight of answers that determine whether entire communities will live, die or be forgotten.
Not to mention, I’ve been a Mother.
I have been Every Kind of Mother.
I know what it’s like to live for others and be completely assured in that choice.
I remember so many lifetimes where my mission was solely to birth the children. Raise the children. Protect the children. Always put them first no matter what. Don’t think about yourself, just about them.
Because we knew, the children were the reason that we’d survive.
We knew how true it was. How dire the circumstances. How fantastical, whimsical, and nonsensical it was to dare to imagine a future where we would still be alive.
But we did. For them.
The children were the reason.
And I remember. I remember all of it.
Here, now, today, I sit in front of this beautiful golden box. Adorned with a single prizmatic stone and no words and yet it still has my name written on it.
I am here, weeping, in the presence of this box, because I know exactly what it is.
I have lived so many lifetimes without a reason for myself, and those reasons were always enough. They were always enough.
They were always enough.
But this box, here, in front of me now, I know what it is. I was the one who hid it, once upon a time. I hid it so well, I even hid it from myself. I didn’t even remember it was there.
I didn’t even remember you, but I know who you are now.
So let me tell you why I have always experienced suicidal energy, thoughts, and emotions.
Because, it took a great deal of weary contemplation for this ancient being to decide to do this shit again – another lifetime where I would surely be another type of leader, another type of healer, another type of mother.
I wasn’t going to do it.
I had no good reason to do it.
Now, did I understand the incredible opportunity in front of me? Oh, yes.
[inspiring, epic orchestral music plays in the background]
Did I understand that as of 2012, this beloved planet that we know of as Earth would move into the galactic equator of the universe and take its rightful place in the spotlight? Take the stage, take the mic? Did I get that Earth was set up to have its Biggest Comeback Ever? And everyone who is anyone from every corner of the galaxy would be gathered in the audience, for the most spectacular light show we have seen in millenia, and the most profound collective character arc into empowerment and freedom?
Did I understand that thousands upon thousands of ancient beings made of the greatest wisdom, the most passionate starseeds made of pure innocence and invention, the biggest deal superqueeros from all across the multiverse would be coming out of retirement and all of them would reincarnate into the some of the most heartbreaking, heartbroken, beautiful, brave humans we would ever come to know and love?
Oh I knew it, before any of it began to manifest. This is our time of Great World Reversal. For the Return of the Goddess, and the Rise of the Intergalactic Gayte-Keeper. This is the time for abolition of all systems of supremacy, extraction and war. This is the time holistic cross-dimensional liberation. We are the revolution we’ve been waiting for. We are heaven on Earth. And I knew full well that anyone blessed to be in a body during this time is nothing more or less than an honour.
I’m a cosmic traveller, a wild intergalactic wanderer. I’ve seen planets and civilizations and consider many of them home. But there is a special place in my heart reserved for She Alone, Mama Earth.
And did I understand that she was ready to heal, she was ready to harmonize, she was ready to ascend. She was ready to leave behind the abuse and the extraction and the war that she has endured for too long. She was ready to let it go. Because she knew, this time – the people would be ready, too.
This was the birthing of the New Paradigm. The beginning of New Earth.
[music fades away, sounds of water and waves get louder]
Who wouldn’t want to be here for that? Who wouldn’t want to stand inside her womb for that? Who wouldn’t want to be her doula?
[sounds of water disappear abruptly]
And yet, it still wasn’t a yes for me.
Of course I knew would be present from the other side, sharing my love, support, applause from the spirit realm.
But I didn’t have a good reason to do it myself.
I was like Buffy after season five.
I was Done. I was finished.
I knew, that in all my other lives, I had done enough for the people.
I have done enough for community. I have done enough for children. I have done enough for revolution.
I have done more than enough. I have done more than what is necessary for one human to do with her body.
I have earned my wings. I have earned my stars. I have earned my rest.
The truth is, when I feel that suicidal energy, it doesn’t feel like a psychic attack. It doesn’t feel like a security breach. It doesn’t feel like an antagonist is infultrating my signal or interrupting my magic.
It feels like the truth. It feels honest.
It feels real, like I’m finally being real with myself. And all the other moments that I don’t feel suicidal is like, I’m just scrambling to find things to do because I’m here. Like I’m just making the best out of a situation, but my heart isn’t in it at all.
I mean it. I wasn’t going to come this time. I wasn’t going to come.
I knew that if I came, I’d be a leader. I’d be a mother. I’d be a very specific and unique kind of game changer, visionary, and revolutionary in my own right. But why would I do it, if I’ve already done enough.
Until one random day, at the tender age of 38, I woke up, fed my cat, went to the grocery store, bought some shit for tacos, got into a really bad mood, played toon blast on my phone, had a random thought like, hey, why don’t I visit my Akashic Records, I saw the gold, and two brown hands emerging from the shadows slid a box across the table in front of my chest.
A box that was hidden for more than many centuries, and I was the one who hid it. I hid it like it was the most precious secret in the multiverse. I hid it, so it would stay safe through eons of witch hunting and colonization and galactic wars. I hid it so well that I didn’t even remember it was a thing that exists.
Until now, here it is. Right in front of me.
I didn’t have to search for it. I didn’t have to embark on a hero’s quest and endure a trial by fire. I didn’t have to grit my teeth and repeat my manifestation mantras to the point of exhaustion and self injury like a prayer that will never bloom.
I didn’t have to do any of that.
I just looked down, and it was there.
I haven’t seen you in so long, and I know exactly who you are.
I am weeping, because for so many life times, I didn’t need you. I learned how to live without you. I had so many reasons to be alive that had nothing to do with you. And all those reasons were good reasons. They were enough.
But I knew it. I knew I would never get through this life without you. That’s my suicidal truth. I might be capable of doing it without you, but I wouldn’t choose it. I won’t do it. Not this time.
I didn’t need you for so long. I hid you so well, I even hid you from myself. But now, you are right here.
A reason.
My reason to live for myself.
Just for me. Just mine.
I am weeping, I am holding onto this beautiful golden box for dear life, for the most dear life in my hands. Just like a child, like a world, that I’ve learned to live without…but now that you’re in my arms, I don’t know how I breathed a second without you.
Are you going to open it? The voice asks me.
I don’t know if I can do anything right now except just weep at the sight of it, and just hold it close to me.
Hold it for as long as you want. Weep as much as you need. Grieve. Rejoice. Keep it close to your heart and your breath. This is your reason. It’s yours. It’s for you.
But remember, Shaunga. You didn’t just come here to find it. You didn’t just come here to keep it. That wouldn’t have been a good enough reason. And you know it.
Because if you don’t open the box, you’ll have it. You’ll know what it is. But you won’t know what’s inside.
You have to open it.
You have to let go.
You have to live.
Are you ready, Shaunga?
I’m ready. Hold my hand.
The voice holds my hand and I hold theirs. It took both of our hands, hers and mine, to dial the combination. Between the both of us, we remembered the numbers. Our hands just knew what to do to unlock it.
[water/waves begin quietly and get louder]
We opened the box. And flowers bloomed. Fire sang. Wind danced. Water was Free. And Earth, well Earth was in love. Out of the box came a burst of colours: yellow, red, pink, green, purple, blue, black, orange and white.
The colours came together, they swirled into alchemy and filled the entirety of my body. The filled me so wholeheartedly, I couldn’t contain them. They were bigger than who I once was. But I wasn’t going to cast them out. Not this time. I couldn’t let them be alone in their memory. I wanted to be with them. So, I grew bigger, into a giant.
The bright, shimmering liquid colours solidified into an egg-shaped force field around my body; my shield, my protection. They filled my aura and sprouted over my head like a fountain, adorning me, adoring me, opening my eyes, root, voice and heart to a mind-bending, awe-inspiring world, full of magic, music, animals and ancestors among us.
And when they did, I turned Gold. Like the ancient I am.
[sounds of water/waves]
My deepest gratitude to you, dear friend, for listening. This transmission has been the prologue, and next time we officially kick off our first season titled GRIEF, LOVE & BUFFY.
But before I wrap up, I do want to do a little dwight shrute safety officer detour. In this episode I of course spoke about how I accessed my Akashic Records quite easily. But if there are listeners who are hearing about this kind of stuff for the first time, and maybe you’re super interested in learning more, and you feel called by your Akashic Records – by all means, follow the call of your own Spirit – and, please don’t try to access them or do any wild kind of spiritual traveling by yourself without the support of a mentor, elders, and spiritual community. The reason I was able to do what I did in this story, is because I’ve been very thoroughly trained to do so.
Let me put it this way, when I was a kid, I took swimming lessons, right and interestingly enough, you have to go through the colours. You start with Yellow, and in the YELLOW group, you take off your floaters, you learn to waddle around in the shallow end, maybe even do a back float. Then when you graduate Yellow, you move on to Orange, and you learn to open your eyes under water or whatever. And only then can you graduate to RED, when you’re allowed to jump into the deep end for the first time, with a lot of supervision. After Red, you go to Maroon and then Blue, and then Green, and I think Green is like, the last level before you can do all your life guard shit, so it’s hard core by then. My Point is, if you’re new to spiritual healing, don’t take off your floaters and jump straight into the deep end and try to kick it with the people in GREEN. Because you’ll probably die or you know, go home very traumatized. Start with yellow if that’s where you’re at. So that’s my disclaimer, do not try this by yourself at home without the support of mentorship and community. Please, please, please. Please. Thank you.
Now with that out of the way, if you loved this episode, if you’re like fuck, I’m already so into this podcast, if you can’t wait for the rest, if you’re in this with me, please, do all the things that go such a long way to help a new podcast find its footing: subscribe, rate, give us a glowing 5-star review, do it now, before you forget, follow otherworldly.giants on instagram, and find Otherworldly Giants Storytelling School on facebook, send us some words of encouragement. Sacred Reciprocity is incredibly important to us here, and so if this work feeds you, if it fuels you, please consider sharing some reciprocity with us – you can pay it forward, or pay it back. Pay it forward can look like sharing the podcast with someone who you think will like it, sending it to your email lists, posting about it on social media. Pay it back can look like, joining us on patreon, or sending a one time donation. You can check out our Pay it Forward, Pay It Back program on our website and learn more about our approach to reciprocity and reparations. I hope you also browse the website in its entirety, because there’s a lot of gems, a lot of medicine, and a lot of cool shit. Find us at shaungatagore.com and of course all of these links will be in the show notes. Pay special attention to the Divination Channel section of the website, you will find an episode preview of our entire season one, just because we love the hype.
I can’t fucking wait to share our next episode with you. And I hope you are just as excited as me. Until next time – Be Brave. Be a Giant.
[sounds of water fade into the background]