🎶 do I know my way back home to you?
do I know my way back home to you? 🎶
when I think about the ones who I’ve been close to —
whether we were close for only a short time, or remained close through many cycles and journeys…
whether we were brought together by choice, inheritance or fate…
whether the love was platonic, romantic, creative, familial, social, communal…
whether we called each other lovers, friends, companions, teachers, friendly-ambiguous-maybe-dates, parents, children, siblings, cousins, twins, soul mates, soup snakes…
whether our love reached across races, genders, classes, languages, geography, generations, dreams, dimensions, species…
if I’ve ever held you close to me, in whatever form or shape it took, there is one thing that stands as true every time —
that is, the feeling
that i’ve known you before.
and, you’ve known me.
that this is not the first time or place our paths have crossed.
I’ve known you before…
is a feeling I’ve always trusted long before I awakened to what I now know about star siblings, past lives/parallel lives, ancestral spiral time, whatever way you want to say it
language or no language, every single time, it was clear to me.
we have spent other life times together
we’ve had other stories
other beginnings and endings
other names we called each other
and other roles we’ve played
each time, it’s true
nothing and nobody could convince me otherwise
because only this legacy of connection and experience could explain the complexity, the enormity, the familiarity, the intensity that we feel in our bones when we are together
it’s just too much, too giant
to be contained in one little timeline.
so, if what I’m saying is true —
it occurrs to me, that for anyone I’ve ever held close to me…
it means that we have said goodbye before, too.
it means, we’ve lost each other before
we’ve left each other before
we’ve parted ways, before
we packed up while the other clung
we chased while the other ran
but, there are some relationships that sit
in the center of my heart
and it doesn’t matter what species we are
doesn’t matter the time
doesn’t matter the story
every time we meet…
we stay together.
yes, there are some.
if we are lucky enough to find each other in a lifetime – it doesn’t matter who we are –
through every thick and thin, conflict and misunderstanding, disappointment and breakthrough, all the big milestones, mistakes and forgiveness, unexpected growth, self-recovery and unraveling
there are some…
where every day is I choose you
every today is I want to know you
every tomorrow is I want to know you even more
there are some, where you stay
and you stay
and, you stay.
Until one of you is called to Hold the Body
While the other Leaves It.
if what I say is true,
it means we already know what it’s like to quietly fear this moment through an entire life of loving loudly.
we’ve already lost ourselves in the despair of our sacred, interconnected relationship DNA scattered into chaos, which is violent if you are not ready for it
(and…you’ll never be ready for it…)
we’ve already whispered into our breath the only prayer that comes attached to the thread we’re hanging by – we’ll see each other again, we will.
we’ve already wailed to the moon and howled to the ocean that it’s not enough and it’s not the same
we’ve already taken that leap of faith
to trust death when death gives no guarantees
we’ve picked a star to sing to – with no way of knowing if that star was so old that it had already lived and died and is gone, by the time its light reaches us
we’ve felt the wind brush our arm, and seen the ladybug stow away, and heard the song playing from our neighbour’s balcony, and we knew exactly who was speaking.
it is really something, isn’t it?
to all of a sudden recognize
that holding the love of my life this past winter as she took her last breath was…
not the first time we’ve said a final goodbye…
and it is really something to realize the love of my life whose face I don’t yet know
is someone who I have already lost.
so, I ask you today:
if what I say is true,
does it change how you love?
does it change your grief (and if so, how?) to know the moment we found the courage to say our final goodbye, was not the first time we lived through the stark landing of this truth which, maybe, makes a finality not as true?
does it change how you love, and if so how, to know that when we finally meet, we will learn each other’s names as two hearts who already know what it’s like to let each other go, grieve a world ending, survive a self-shattering loss of someone who is impossible to lose?
does it change how you love, my friend, through every ending, beginning and in between?
does it change how open you want to be today?
does it change how many risks you’re willing to take or how many defenses you will let dissolve?
does it change how vulnerable you choose to be? how afraid?
does it change how free you are?
if what I say is true
that every one I’ve ever held close to me is important
and, there are some
that sit in the heart
for yours and mine
know that this is true —
there are many timelines where we did not find each other.
many cycles where it just was not the right time
lifetimes about different purpose, different lessons
generations of work that needed tending to in the garden before we were ready to grow together
remember, my friend, there are lives, many lives, where we did not meet
lives we spent grieving one another without ever knowing each other’s names
so I ask you today
to feel the center of your heart
and know who is there
right in front of you
right behind you
right beside you
whether human, animal, or planet
will it change how you weep, and how you laugh
will it change how overjoyed you become
how swept off your feet, how brought back to earth
does it change the truth you know about miracles right in front of you, right behind you, right beside you
does it change you, my friend?
does it change how you live?
🎶 do you know your way back home to me?
do you know your way back home to me? 🎶
Shout out to my Harmonizer friends Rose, Siren and Stephanie for the song lyrics that begin and end this offering!