does it change you, my friend?

🎶 do I know my way back home to you?
do I know my way back home to you? 🎶

when I think about the ones who I’ve been close to —

whether we were close for only a short time, or remained close through many cycles and journeys…

whether we were brought together by choice, inheritance or fate…

whether the love was platonic, romantic, creative, familial, social, communal…

whether we called each other lovers, friends, companions, teachers, friendly-ambiguous-maybe-dates, parents, children, siblings, cousins, twins, soul mates, soup snakes…

whether our love reached across races, genders, classes, languages, geography, generations, dreams, dimensions, species…

if I’ve ever held you close to me, in whatever form or shape it took, there is one thing that stands as true every time —

that is, the feeling

the certainty

that i’ve known you before.

and, you’ve known me.

that this is not the first time or place our paths have crossed.

I’ve known you before…

is a feeling I’ve always trusted long before I awakened to what I now know about star siblings, past lives/parallel lives, ancestral spiral time, whatever way you want to say it

language or no language, every single time, it was clear to me.

we have spent other life times together

we’ve had other stories

other beginnings and endings

other names we called each other

and other roles we’ve played

each time, it’s true

nothing and nobody could convince me otherwise

because only this legacy of connection and experience could explain the complexity, the enormity, the familiarity, the intensity that we feel in our bones when we are together

it’s just too much, too giant

to be contained in one little timeline.

so, if what I’m saying is true —

it occurrs to me, that for anyone I’ve ever held close to me…

it means that we have said goodbye before, too.

it means, we’ve lost each other before

we’ve left each other before

we’ve parted ways, before

we packed up while the other clung

we chased while the other ran

but, there are some relationships that sit

in the center of my heart

and it doesn’t matter what species we are

doesn’t matter the time

doesn’t matter the story

every time we meet…

we stay together.

yes, there are some.

if we are lucky enough to find each other in a lifetime – it doesn’t matter who we are –

we stay.

through every thick and thin, conflict and misunderstanding, disappointment and breakthrough, all the big milestones, mistakes and forgiveness, unexpected growth, self-recovery and unraveling

there are some…

where every day is I choose you

every today is I want to know you

every tomorrow is I want to know you even more

there are some, where you stay

and you stay

and, you stay.

Until one of you is called to Hold the Body

While the other Leaves It.

if what I say is true,

it means we already know what it’s like to quietly fear this moment through an entire life of loving loudly.

we’ve already lost ourselves in the despair of our sacred, interconnected relationship DNA scattered into chaos, which is violent if you are not ready for it

(and…you’ll never be ready for it…)

we’ve already whispered into our breath the only prayer that comes attached to the thread we’re hanging by – we’ll see each other again, we will.

we’ve already wailed to the moon and howled to the ocean that it’s not enough and it’s not the same

we’ve already taken that leap of faith

to trust death when death gives no guarantees

we’ve picked a star to sing to – with no way of knowing if that star was so old that it had already lived and died and is gone, by the time its light reaches us

we’ve felt the wind brush our arm, and seen the ladybug stow away, and heard the song playing from our neighbour’s balcony, and we knew exactly who was speaking.

it is really something, isn’t it?

to all of a sudden recognize

the reality

that holding the love of my life this past winter as she took her last breath was…

not the first time we’ve said a final goodbye…

and it is really something to realize the love of my life whose face I don’t yet know

is someone who I have already lost.

so, I ask you today:

if what I say is true,

does it change how you love?

does it change your grief (and if so, how?) to know the moment we found the courage to say our final goodbye, was not the first time we lived through the stark landing of this truth which, maybe, makes a finality not as true?

does it change how you love, and if so how, to know that when we finally meet, we will learn each other’s names as two hearts who already know what it’s like to let each other go, grieve a world ending, survive a self-shattering loss of someone who is impossible to lose?

does it change how you love, my friend, through every ending, beginning and in between?

does it change how open you want to be today?

how honest?

does it change how many risks you’re willing to take or how many defenses you will let dissolve?

does it change how vulnerable you choose to be? how afraid?

how brave?

does it change how free you are?

how forgiving?

if what I say is true

that every one I’ve ever held close to me is important

valued

appreciated

remembered

and, there are some

that sit in the heart

and stay.

for yours and mine

know that this is true —

there are many timelines where we did not find each other.

many cycles where it just was not the right time

lifetimes about different purpose, different lessons

generations of work that needed tending to in the garden before we were ready to grow together

remember, my friend, there are lives, many lives, where we did not meet

lives we spent grieving one another without ever knowing each other’s names

so I ask you today

to feel the center of your heart

and know who is there

right in front of you

right behind you

right beside you

whether human, animal, or planet

will it change how you weep, and how you laugh

will it change how overjoyed you become

how swept off your feet, how brought back to earth

does it change the truth you know about miracles right in front of you, right behind you, right beside you