originally written in January 2020.
Dear Otherworldly Giants,
If 2019 was a year of accumulation, 2020 is a year of consequence.
We begin 2020 with heavy Capricorn energy: Capricorn wants us to tangibly experience, and know the physical reality, of that which has been building for a long time. 7 years, 28 years, generations, lifetimes.
Capricorn is not harsh – although it comes across this way – it’s just true. Though true in ways we don’t always want to recognize. True in ways it’s too painful to recognize.
Capricorn is consequence, like the hard-heart work we’ve put in for 7 years, 28 years, generations, lifetimes, is now paying off and we get to experience the rewards. Capricorn is consequence, like the tangible results of mass negligence, greed, and abuses of power on the planet are rearing their head too.
Capricorn is consequence like the fact that humanity, mortality, physicality…is always finite. Not infinite. There is always a limit to things, a clear beginning and end, whether we are doing right or wrong.
I have an astrologer’s confession: I find myself looking toward my own planetary movements coming up in 2020 with fear and with dread. I can see my specific astrological weather in 2021-2027 is going to be non-stop bonkers…in a way it hasn’t been in a long time. I can’t help it. I’m already exhausted. I’m already terrified. I’m already bracing myself for all the “bad things that are going to happen.”
And I NEVER look at other people’s astro transits in the same way. When I’m looking at other people’s birth charts, I remember the truth that astrology doesn’t tell us what “good” or “bad” things will happen.
Astrology shows us energy, and energy manifests in thousands of different ways. Furthermore, how we EXPERIENCE an energy is highly variable. Bonkers astrological weather often comes with the most beautiful and rewarding life experiences. “Difficult” astrological weather is often experienced with deep joy, excitement, and forward movement.
But at the end of the day…when it comes to myself…I can’t help it.
I’m scared. And not because of astrology. But because of the simple truth of mortality, humanity and physicality. Because of the clear beginning and ending of things. For losses I know are inevitable…even though I have no idea when or how they’ll happen.
I sit in meditation, and ask for a companion to walk with me in 2020. I ask my companion to show themselves.
The Jaguar appears.
Shit…can I get a do-over? (is my first reaction.)
The Jaguar doesn’t entertain my question, but they’re not offended by it either.
They approach me softly and deliberately. Gently, and with complete certainty.
They sit down with me, lovingly resting their chin on my leg, and stretching their paws on my skin, like a warm hug.
Why did I react to them with such apprehension?
Because I’m fucking tired. I know what it’s like to be the Jaguar, and I’m tired of being this ferocious creature.
In the last 5 years (10 years, generations, lifetimes)…I’ve been so ruthless.
Ruthless in advocating for myself, for my boundaries, for my sovereignty. Ruthless in saying no to bullshit in community, in friendship, in family, in myself. Ruthless in severing the bullshit in my lineage. Ruthless in keeping my ground when it felt like everyone around me was shaking it. Ruthless in defending myself from any and every attack. Ruthless in creating the life and love I want.
And I’m tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.
If anything the Jaguar is known for, it’s their aggression, their power, their “YOU WANNA GO GLINDA!? WE’LL GO!” fighting spirit.
But in this moment, the Jaguar is gentle with me. They trust me enough to relax in my presence.
I see us walking through 2020 together, leisurely. I see us resting and cuddling and playing in the water like a couple of goof balls. I see us sitting quietly in the black of night, gazing toward the stars in contemplation and awe.
I get it. The Jaguar is telling me that in 2020, my ruthlessness gets to be gentle. My ruthlessness gets to be peaceful.
The Jaguar knows who they are – they are the creature that kills with one strike. Their ferociousness is inherent. And so is mine.
So inherent, so steadfast and unyielding, that I don’t need to be afraid I’ll lose it if I put down my guard for a moment. Instead, we can just be friends. We can just spend our time together and enjoy each other’s company in the dead of night.
In the dead of night, sitting together on a cliff that overlooks the city, the Jaguar speaks to me:
You know, I won’t give you any reassurance. This is my time. Midnight. Everlasting Uncertainty. The great mystery. No, I’m not going to tell you that nothing bad is going to happen. I’m not going to tell you that everything will be okay.
I know, I’m the last one you want when you’re craving answers. When you just need a sign that things could go back to normal – when normal is something already passed. I won’t give you any reassurance for what terrifies you in the unknown.
There was a time that reassurance was…well, reassuring.
Like when you start dating someone and you’re constantly looking for clues as to whether or not they like you. Clues as to whether or not they’re going to leave you, and when. You obsess over reading between the lines on all the flirty texts…the gaps between text messages that get too long…and wait, why did they say THAT word…what does THAT look mean…and you get that earthquake-y feeling in your chest and you just need them to say the thing, do the thing, that’ll give you that bit of reassurance…
Or when you’re trying to take care of yourself, your loved ones, the planet…and it’s one health crisis after another…and you’re stressed and confused and our sacred medicines are buried, displaced, violated…and you just NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS SO YOU CAN FIX IT. So you pull one more tarot card, read one more horoscope, you psychically check-in on the future one more time…
Reassurance becomes less and less…reassuring…when you stop trying to control every bad and good thing that might happen to you. When you stop blaming yourself for things that are too big to be your fault.
When you realize that after a certain point…reassurance is actually the thing that’ll get in the way of experiencing the freedom to love…ourselves and each other, exactly as we are.
I am not here to give you reassurance. You don’t want reassurance. You want my Presence.
You want my Friendship. You want Love.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. Nobody does. But I’m here with you, through every beginning and every end. We don’t need to know what happens – we’re in love with the mystery, remember?
The Jaguar’s love and friendship is as powerful as their ferocity. Their presence is as deep, steadfast and unyielding.
When we seek reassurance, what we’re really doing is shielding ourselves from our capacity to feel pain. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s wise in many situations. But it’s not enough for me anymore. It’s not the medicine that I most need in the next year, the next decade.
Because I can no longer look at my pain and say, no, I don’t want you.
Because the last year and the last decade taught me with clarity, exactly what love is.
Because I know, with certainty, the truth of commitment.
A life long commitment to love means, I’ll be there by your side, when it is your time to go.
Or, I will have you with me, when I go.
Either way, love is to know what it is to be shattered.
What do I want instead of this pain? Nothing.
I don’t want anything that I haven’t already chosen.
Before I took my first breath, I chose my name. I chose to be here now. I chose this timeline, this family, this lineage, these problems, these gifts, this planet. I chose this time in history. I chose this tipping point where we as a species would see the accumulation and consequences of generations of choices. Generations of greed and violation and destruction and we would have a very clear choice.
I chose to be born into a time where this is our collective reality: not enough people on this planet want to change. Not enough people want to heal, not enough people want to live in devotion to natural law – and they have already made that choice.
I knew, with complete consciousness (the meaning of my name) before I got here – that this pain would be the cost of love.
And there is still nowhere else I’d rather be.
Now, the pain of blaming myself for things outside of my control? Blaming myself for the death and suffering of my loved ones? Asserting responsibility and control over my surroundings and trying to fix everyone’s problems and fix the world’s problems and beating myself every time I fail? Pretending I am solely responsible for keeping life alive? Perpetually chasing my tail for reassurance in the face of uncertainty?
No, I don’t need THAT kind of pain anymore.
And I can’t even say any longer that this kind of self-blame passed down for generations in our feminine lineages is my core wound.
I see it for what it is – it’s a coping mechanism, something to shield myself from the truth that I already know.
I already know the marriage between Death and Love. I already have chosen it.
The pain of self-blame – it’s still in me, it’s around me. I am aware of it. It’s embedded into motherhood and daughterhood in my lineage. But it’s loosened now.
Now, because of of 2019, I know I am capable of just…gently putting that blame down, instead of picking it up, when it matters most.
When I put down self-blame, what happens? What truth do I realize and return to instead? What inside of me gets to breathe, and gets to be free, without restriction?
What I’m left with is just another day…
that I get to love you, exactly as you are, exactly as I am.
Whether days are mundane or dramatic. Painful or joyful. Expressive or internal. Simple or complicated…all days are magical. All days are sacred.
Every day, I get to love you. Exactly as you are. Exactly as I am.
Seek not reassurance. For you are loved in return.
For every day, it remains the truth.