Looking back on 2018, I see a year of sorting and re-organizing.
Things falling apart, yet still trying to make use and rebuild with the broken pieces. Butting heads with the incompatibility of what was once so comforting.
Squeezing every last drop out of something that hardly has any juice left, and making a sorry salad with it to eat for lunch. (Stomach growling for the rest of the day.) Painting the old bookshelf with a wacky colour, thinking maybe that would solve the problem. (It didn’t.) Using nothing but sheer will to fall back in love with clothes that don’t fit, and spending your days frustrated in your own skin.
There were bursts of inspiration and future vision, yes, and daily habits that did not add up to the magic.
There was so much good that was achieved.
So much to celebrate in yourself and your friends. So many milestones crossed. Goals accomplished. Mountains climbed. Patterns broken. Rituals completed.
And yet, is it hard to remember 2018 as a year of good?
That’s exactly the thing. When I look back on 2018, it looks hard.
A hardness embedded in all the cracks and crevices. Stress attached to every month like ivy crawling up a wall. Breath held for so long that it froze into solid material and attached itself to you, an immovable beast.
Amongst all the hardness was a call of the wild, coming straight from the dark night of your soul:
Why aren’t things getting better?
This is the question at the root of the hardness of 2018. It’s an energy of working always, doing the most, showing up, never giving up, never straying away from yourself. Never letting up on the healing work, or the relationship work, or the work-work, for an instant. Never dropping the ball. And if you do drop something for a minute, you pick up 10 more things the very next to make up for it.
You do all of this. ALL OF FUCKING THIS AND STILL! Why aren’t things getting better?
A dam broke in December. A cork popped. A thundercloud released. You hit a dead end but instead of finding a wall, a piece of the sky burst open instead. A portal illuminated. You crossed a threshold. And now there is a place you are not returning to.
I always say the key to healing is asking the right questions. And “why aren’t things getting better?” is not the right question one.
Because things have already changed. You are already on the upswing.
You are already moving toward the life that you want, that wants you back hard. Whether or not you trust this is the difference between how much you will or won’t enjoy the journey.
Because we don’t ever just magically get a new life overnight. When we put things in motion to make big moves in our lives and/or in the world – and many of us are making big, big moves…we cannot skip over the process of integrating everything we’ve been through before moving into the next phase of our lives.
That’s what 2018 was – a year of integration.
No wonder so many of us felt frustrated. Or blamed ourselves for why things aren’t moving along well enough. Tried to overcompensate for things we already do too much of. Most of us do not like stillness, because it is confusing. It reminds us that we are not in control of anything outside of our choices.
But that’s exactly what 2018 asked of us. Take pause. Be still in the water.
In these waters, we are magic. In these waters, we shed skin, in the most luxurious way possible. We digest. We cleanse. We are quietly reborn. In these waters, we don’t get the answers, we find the right questions. And we don’t need anything else to understand we’ve already won.
Here, we say goodbye.
But please remember, goodbye doesn’t have to be torturous. It can be you on a boat, looking back at the home you’re sailing away from and waving your hands enthusiastically. Laughing and crying with childlike gratitude for everything you’ve ever loved, the person you’re about to become, and the adventure in front of you now.
What happens when we look back at the hardness that screamed “why aren’t things getting better???” and allow ourselves to see it as the dam that needed to break?
What the child in you really means to say is, I am scared to grow beyond the circumstances I was given.
There is nothing wrong with being scared. It means you survived, and you honour the survivor in you. It means you loved hard, even if you were hurt, and you refuse to throw away the lover in you. It means you have something to grieve, because grief is the price we pay for love.
It means, you are allowed to change, and you should remember that, because you have already made that choice.
When I look ahead to 2019, it looks shiny. Sparkly like the morning water. Like creativity, play and laughter. It looks like uncovering buried and precious relics of treasure, and finding the pieces that actually fit. It looks like a year the sun will be generous to you.
And it doesn’t look hard. And I don’t mean nothing difficult will ever happen to you. I think you get what I’m saying is more nuanced than that. If you don’t understand now, you will.
And with that, wowee, look at this holiday gift!
Below I have your January Horoscopes – which are out early this time!
Watch the videos below to get all of the nitty-gritty scoop on what the planets and cosmos are bringing you in 2019.
First, I have a general overview for all signs (I call this Zodiac Town Hall.) And then after you watched part 1, you can grab your part 2 bonus videos: In part 2, I go month-by-month and look at what to expect from each astrological season in 2019. Finally, I lay out each sign’s “theme” for 2019 – ie what is the year about for your sign, what are the gifts you have to give and receive, what challenges are in your way and how to work with those challenges.
I got you covered for this 2018-2019 portal!!!
Thank you everyone, for joining me and for shining bright. I will see you on the flip side 🙂