Feature photo by Vero Diaz of Phoenix Rising Photography. Tulum, Mexico 2016.
How was 2018?
It was an unrelenting rompy adventure; it was lesson after lesson on death and purpose.
It was a time I found a new definition of grief, one that did not mean I had to compromise my joy.
It was getting my goddamn groove back MFers!! It was hard earned, no apologies, reuniting with the long-lost most brilliant part of MySELF.
It was refusing to let anyone hold me back from how deep I wanna go. No matter how painful it was, I wouldn’t give up any of my depth or growth for the sake of (fruitlessly) trying to avoid pain.
It was learning the difference between unnecessary drama that keeps me hooked in patterns of codependency and self-destruction, and the fire that ignites my passion. It was choosing wisely between the two.
It was a purging. Vomiting the psychological torture of my past from my body and my world; it was replenishing my divine internal ecosystem.
It was being a super-duper boss-babe my friends! Not shrinking myself down, even when my empowerment upset the people around me.
It was making a clean break, instead of trying to slink away without anyone noticing. Surely and clearly breaking up with the externalized and internalized forces that have been killing me. Choosing to live loud. Choosing not to fade away.
It was the year of believing I am worthy of the fierce & genuine care, nourishment and protection that I usually give to other people without hesitation and never expect in return. Raising. My. Damn. Standards.
It was the year I fell in love with myself again.
It was when I embraced my role as a leader, on my own terms. The year I stopped denying the impact I will have on the world, and in my most intimate circles, when I follow my own path.
It was when I understood the wave I thought I would drown in, was actually the thing that cleansed me. The ocean of grief and love that left sparkles in my eyes as I looked toward the sky and quietly said, my dreams want me just as much as I want them.
Welcome to your December 2018 horoscopes.
This month we are saying goodbye to 2018. We are saying goodbye to everything we don’t need to carry with us into the new year.
In addressing Sagittarius Season, it’s impossible not to talk about where we’re coming from. And in saying goodbye to 2018, it’s impossible to deny how difficult this past year has been, individually and collectively.
Getting from Scorpio to Sagittarius is not an easy transition. It feels impossible to make that quantum leap and yet, we don’t have to do anything to make it happen. The more we try to assert control over the journey, the more we fail. And yet in our moments of utter failure, something both otherworldly and mundane swoops in; it gently and assuredly carries us there.
The barrier between the 8th house (Scorpio’s house) and the 9th house (Sagittarius’ house) so often feels like a brick wall we are never strong enough to punch through, even though it is always, in truth, a portal with a wide open door.
This is the terrifying, devastating, and inevitable distance between death and hope.
Scorpio, the 8th house, is the underworld. Here, we are met with secrets, shame, boundary crossings, abuse and abuse of power. Here, we are not protected by those closest to us. Here, we are not allowed to speak or tell the truth without severe punishment. Here, we deal with the impacts of experiencing and/or perpetrating intimate violence. We experience systemic and personal violence that is glaringly obvious, and yet nobody seems to notice. Here, we fight to control situations and other people because our own lives feel devastatingly out of control. We deal with addictions, obsessions, suicidal thoughts. We’re met with the parts of ourselves we don’t believe can ever be healed. Here, we feel like we do not have any choices. Like we do not have any options. This is literally, rock bottom.
Everyone’s bottom is different – yours is not the same as mine. Anyone who has survived an abusive relationship, or has struggled with addiction, depression or suicide knows that you can’t decide someone else’s bottom for them – you can’t tell someone when to leave or when to quit. Nobody can make that decision but yourself. And there’s a place in your own personal underworld you gotta hit, in order to make it. And when you hit it – nobody is there to greet you, except the part of yourself that you fear the most.
People can guide you into that portal. People can give you tips and tools and support. Our mentors, healers, friends, and community can be a witness to our journey. But as one of my mentors, Samia of Turtle Tank says,
“No one is going to face you for yourself. No one is going to deal with your demons but you. Go to any healer, take any herb, do whatever you want, at the end of the day it’s you and yourself. In the darkness of the night. You’ll see who you are and you’ll emerge from that.”
[PS CHECK OUT TURTLE TANK’S #MEFIRST CAMPAIGN, GUARANTEE IT’LL MAKE YOUR DAY LOTS BRIGHTER!]
Here’s a special treat! This is a scene from my play, Letters to the Universe, where Spirit Messenger “Premonition” (played by Anabel Khoo) pulls me down into the underworld to – you guessed it – face myself.
Rock bottom. The heart of the underworld. Our very own personal hell. This is the loneliest, most terrifying and powerful place of the zodiac.
But here’s the TWIST: We are no longer in the 8th house. We are no longer in Scorpio territory.
We are now held by Sagittarius.
Yes. Scrappy, hopeful, optimistic Sagittarius.
Faith. Vision. Prophecy.
If the 8th house is the underworld, the 9th house is the highest place in the zodiac. Here, we believe in endless possibilities and access endless options. Here, there are no limits to how much we can grow, and to what we’ll learn and experience on our way there. Ask the 9th house about individual and collective liberation? No problem, we got this! Don’t worry so much, all is falling into place in these multi-dimensional realms and besides, what a fun adventure that will teach you so much about your generosity and capacity to both give and receive.
In the 9th house, we look back on all our demons from a higher place. With a higher calling, a higher love, a higher self. Here, we see our hardest moments from a higher perspective.
We look at the trauma in our families, in our ancestral histories, in our recent past, and we say, Wow. From this angle, I don’t believe anymore that this chains me. I don’t believe there’s anything so powerful that would keep me stuck there.
Here, I see everything I’ve been through as moments I can learn from. I see how I’ve survived, the tools and resilience I’ve earned. I see the patterns that have been raging on for generations and I say, hey, it’s time for me to break them.
And it’s chill. It’s NBD. It’s Sag.
It’s looking back at your rock bottom, the time and place you were completely, utterly alone. And with Jupiter’s thunder clap and lightning bolt, you suddenly just know.
I have always been protected. Even – especially – at rock bottom. I was held by a higher place. A higher calling. A higher love. A higher self.
I was never truly alone.
In that tender moment knowing…I really thought I was going to die that day. But I didn’t. Instead of going down that road I did call that healer, I did take that herb. I did reach out to that one friend who picked up the phone. I did post that thing I thought I would delete on my social media and someone did reach back. Someone was kind. Someone did love me. I did go to the beach. I did talk to the water. I did stay alive.
I did feel my ancestors want me here. I did feel my past ancestors ground me and tell me they got my back. I did feel my future ancestors laughing with joy. I did know them to be hopeful, and thriving. And I did know they needed me to stick with it, stick with myself, because I did something – I was something – that helped them get there.
Those of us who live through addictions, abuse, near death experiences…those of us who habitually travel between that 8th house-9th house portal – we know what this is. We know how alone the world leaves us, and how protected.
Because Rock Bottom…lonely, terrifying, powerful – this is not the 8th house at all. It’s the highest place in the zodiac.
And okay, some of you mega astro-nerds are saying right now – HOLD THE PHONE – the 9th house isn’t the highest place in the zodiac. That’s the 10th! That’s the Midheaven – the 10th house cusp, the peak of the birth chart.
Yes, my friends. The 10th house is the peak of the mountain. Capricorn. But the 9th house is the wide open sky.
Last month I gave you all a lecture about how we do not get to skip over Scorpio season. And now I’m telling you, we don’t get to skip Sag either.
Capricorn is the mountain of your life. It is the journey you must master in order to fulfill your purpose. The 10th house is hard and every day. The goals, the strategy, the tangible results and the no-nonsense hard work you gotta do to get there.
Skeptics and Capricorns sitting here be like – OKAY SAG – hope and faith and belief and whatever – what about MATERIAL REALITY? What about the STATE OF THINGS?? What about food on the table and money in the bank and fascist dictators and climate crisis and THE WORK, PEOPLE, WHAT ABOUT SHOWING UP FOR THE WORK!?!?
Yet, if we skip Sagittarius and go straight to Capricorn so we can do “the work”…we miss the point. And the work never gets done.
The work is then fuelled by scarcity and obligation and overworking and burn-out and self-sacrifice and by holding ourselves and each other to perfection (the colonizer’s game) and eating each other alive. We run ourselves into hopelessness, we prove our points of cynicism because we’re not able to access the invention that leads to new options, we go to bed grumpy, we wake up resentful, we spend our days being snarky and looking cool and yet dying inside, and at some point we realize we’re at the top of a mountain we never really wanted to climb.
So there’s a reason we do not skip Sagittarius season, my dear celestial creatures.
Faith. Vision. Prophecy. Believing the impossible. It doesn’t matter how or when you get to the top of the mountain, that’s not the point.
The sky is the point.
The point is, in this moment, you get to fly. Right now. Wherever you are. Emerged from the underworld. Raggedy, scarred, scorned, disheveled, ruined, wild…right here, right now…FLY.
You do not need to get to the top of the mountain to earn your wings. You just get to have them.
Earn the work you do. Earn the effort, time, care and patience you put into the relationships, projects, movements, values, ethics and principles that you care about. You earn the work you put into something – not because it proves you worthy – but because of simple cause and effect. You worked on something and the work is done. You cannot undo it.
But your wings? You don’t need to earn those. They are just yours.
Because you are in love with the sky. And the sky loves you back, just as hard.
Below I have a December horoscope for you. You may notice, I’ve switched up the format a bit! This month instead of recording 12 videos for each sign, I’ve recorded one video for all the signs. Here, we are talking about the big themes relevant not just for this month, but as we reflect back on 2018. I got your back as we journey through this 2018-2019 portal.
I know many of you appreciate the individual readings for each sign – but I think you’ll enjoy the experience of this collective reading as well – zodiac town hall, I’m calling it – so check it out!
And, if you’re really jonesin’ for an individual reading, I have good news: I am offering discounts on individual birth chart readings for all of December.
This is for folks who want a 60 minute reading dedicated to your specific situation and your specific birth chart. I am currently booking those readings for January and February 2019.
Pay between Dec 1st – 8th and you get your reading for $100. Pay between the 9th – 31st, you get it for $125. Once you send me your payment, I’ll give you the date you’ll receive your reading. Read more about it on my services page here.
Until then, check out your horoscope, and sending you so much love for 2019.